We all carry demons on our backs at different times in our lives. Why do we call them that?
These are the things that needle us and cause chaos to our very souls. They are the unforgiven mistakes we carry. They are those things that bring unrest to our battered minds. They burden us to make us feel we are worthless, they are the things that keep us in a perpetual dark negative state that we long to break from so we can progress.
Just as the spirit of God fills our souls with goodness, light and hope to propel us to move forward to full joy, so does Satan’s minions continue to try to cling onto us to drag us down, doing all they can to keep us in a state of darkened misery.
As we press forward to the light that burns from Gods’ presence, those devils will shrink from the glory of God until we are free and they are no more.
A little girl stands in the middle of her bedroom, her father has just kissed her goodnight and tells her to get into bed. So she does, then her father heads toward the door, turns around and tells her he loves her. He turns off the light and shuts the door.
It is pitch black and the little girl feels so alone, she starts to get really scared and calls out for her daddy. He responds that he is still there and don’t be afraid, “It will be ok, I will see you in the morning.” She knows he is there but still has doubts. Is it really ok? What if morning never comes? What if something bad happens and he doesn’t know until it is too late?
So many questions and fears brought on by a lack of faith in herself and in her father. She gets out of bed and runs toward where she thinks the light switch us. As she turns on her bedroom light, the room is radiating with light again and she can see that her fears were unfounded. Just then the bedroom door opens, her father smiles at her and scoops her up in his arms. “Silly little girl, I told you I would be here, I love you too much to ever leave you completely alone.”
In this time in my life, I feel like this little girl. I feel alone and unsure of what to do. So many hours I spend feeling like I am in the dark. Every morning I struggle to get out of bed, I grasp for anything to give me a reason to get out of bed. My prayers feel like they are falling on deaf ears. I want so desperately to know He is there, I crave to feel the same spirit that I felt when my health was bad. I desire to know what He wants me to do.
Maybe this is another test to see if I will persevere or maybe I need to listen a little more for the still small voice. I do grow weary with not understanding. I try to fill my days with things that invite the spirit, but still feel nothing. I am at a loss, I want to do more than endure each day, I want to love each day I live.
I want to hear, “Silly little girl, I told you I would be here, I love you too much to ever leave you completely alone.” Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning. Psalm 30:5
I haven’t blogged for quite a few days, I don’t make any posts unless I feel inspired to do so. Today my mind has been on so many things. It is strange that after many months of accepting that I was not long for this world and then being told I am doing good and that my life has been extended until further notice is a little disconcerting.
Now I have to shift my thoughts and actions in the opposite direction. To some people, this might seem odd. How can she not jump up and down, shout hallelujah!? I can only answer this in this way. I had accepted it, I spent months in this mindset, I made preparations for my kids so as not to be a burden when I did leave. I even gave my car to my daughter because I didn’t think I would need it.
Now I must shift my whole thought process in reverse. Sometimes I feel joy and hopeful but at the same time, I question NOW WHAT? I feel numb and try to make sense of it all, but so far have not come up with anything concrete.
As always I begin and end each day with prayer and ask, “Father, now what?” So far I have not received an answer. I know He is there always. So either He is letting me figure things out on my own or I am just not listening. Whatever the case may be, I am sure I will continue to post and give updates. Peace to all who read this. To those who take the time to read my rantings, I don’t want to give names but their initials are Beth, Jessica, Sebastian, Deborah, Sassy, Isis, Annie and Dedha I appreciate you so much! If I have left out anyone I am sorry, I tried not to.
I'm glad I learned to express my thoughts clearly and everyone loves to read them. Sometimes it takes a lot of thinking power to think about the surroundings. Someone who likes it, someone who enjoys it, appreciates that he is writing very well. Reading and commenting on the post I wrote would give me a lot of bullshit and I would get new ideas to write new ones.
I'm really glad I got your response.