Every Sunday is my meditation day. A day I want no outside disturbances. These are my days of peace, refuge and in communing with my Savior.
In this current journey, there have been many adjustments, concerns, grief, tears but oh so many more blessings.
Yesterday was Sunday and I got up, decided to fast that day to find out the current state in my Heavenly Fathers’ eyes. I wanted to know if I was doing all I could, what I needed more to do. I fasted for the welfare of my little sister, her family, for the welfare of my children and a few others I shall not name here.
I have a widget on my tablet that is called Scripture of the Day. It has been amazing how it almost always seems to apply to a question I have or something I am struggling with. Well yesterday was the scripture from Alma 17:11. I read it a few times and didn’t see it pertained to me and let it go.
The past week of telling people about my condition has not been easy. It was like bearing my naked soul for people to see and leaving myself open to mockery and persecution, of people rolling their eyes and saying or even thinking I was nuts or being overly dramatic, which is funny because death is pretty dramatic.
I have a good friend that told me not to give up hope and that God wouldn’t mind if I stayed alive longer. What he failed to understand is that I willingly gave myself as a sacrifice for my sons life. I knew my health was already deteriorating before James had his near death experience although I didn’t know how serious until much later.
I know that God can heal me and that if I prayed He might spare my life too BUT I know that I offered myself up and to this day I feel nothing but gratitude and a willingness to let Thy Will Be Done. I gave myself up, I wasn’t forced to. I could not even try to go back on it. I am at peace with it all and everyday feel immense gratitude.
Yesterday, during my fast I was becoming frustrated because I was not receiving any answers and started to question as to whether any of this was real. I was becoming angry, why wasn’t he talking to me? Was I doing all this for nothing? Maybe I am not even sick! Maybe it is all in my head!
I ended my fast and decided to just STOP. Still feeling frustrated and felt that God had turned His back on me and was angry with me, but having no clue why, I turned on the Living Scripture channel to watch a good wholesome movie. I let my mind and soul relax. I gave as much as I could that day. I was spent and just wanted the day to end.
Once again I read the scripture of the day. The words screamed at me, there had been my answer and yet I didn’t see it until after the trial of my faith.
“And the Lord said unto them also: Go forth among the Lamanites, thy brethren, and establish my word; yet ye shall be patient in long-suffering and afflictions, that ye may show forth good examples unto them in me, and I will make an instrument of thee in my hands unto the salvation of many souls.” What a beautiful thing to know this! A side note which is funny is that my friend that had told me not to give up hope was a Native American. I don’t think in this instance for me it meant literally the Lamanites but it was interesting and ironic just the same.
Needless to say I broke down and cried. My joy was full in that I knew God was still mindful of me and in control. I was renewed with a sense of determination.
There are a few things that grieve me still. One is not being with my daughter in this mortal state when she goes to the temple to be sealed to her husband, or to hold her children in my arms at least one time. Another is that my husband of 33 years has not shown any real sign of caring. Many times I haven’t wanted 2 arms to hold me but luckily for me my Savior has stepped in and become the surrogate of comfort to me.
I just want to say and have it be known that I still love my husband, not as he is now but as he once was and is capable of still being.
I know I will be with my daughter in the temple and I hope she will feel my spirit at that time. I want her to feel me close as she cuddles and nurtures her children.
As for my husband, I don’t know what will happen. I have always felt and still do that we are meant to be together. I cannot get past the emptiness of ever being with anyone else. Only God knows for sure, and that is enough for me.