Satan wants you to believe you are not worthy! YOU ARE! Christ died for ALL of us no matter how grievous our sins are. He didn’t say that his blood was sufficient for a select few. When we don’t accept his atoning sacrifice and feel we are not GOOD enough it is like saying that he died for no reason. It doesn’t matter where you were or what you did. All that matters is where you are now and where you are going. Love yourself as much as you love those who you care for. Prayer is a HUGE factor in your conversion. Keep trying and realize that Satan will put doubts into your mind of ill conceived notions that you are not good enough, push those aside. Anything negative is of Satan. Read your scriptures, pray and I promise you will find the joy you so desperately seek. It might not happen overnight but keep pressing forward and you will get there. Christ stands with arms open ready to receive you, you just need to realize your own worth.