Get Up and Go Do

I woke up this morning feeling less than human, even though I had a good night’s sleep, I felt immense fatigue which opened the door to anger, resentment, hopelessness, not caring and hate. All things I have been working against overcoming seem to crash in on me with no warning. I knelt in prayer asking these feelings be lifted from me. I pled with the Father and asked, “Why? Had I not been doing all I could to overcome? Why am feeling this way?”

I got up hoping these unwelcome feelings would leave. But they did not, no matter what I did or said or prayed they stayed with me. My thoughts of just giving up flooded my mind. I kept thinking if this is all I have to look forward to is a future of hopelessness to where I felt for some reason unbeknownst to me my Savior had stopped talking to me then I might as well call it a day.

I started feeling the burdens of little projects around the home weighing in on me, on top of this was sadness for my neice, the sad news of my daughters stepdaughters’ cancer returning, my daughter and her husband moving out, and last but not least feeding the missionaries was needed for Saturday.

I wondered if anything I did would really work or help anyone. I began to doubt myself and if even my own existence was of any real importance. My self worth was under attack.

The words entered my mind, “Get up and go do!” I didn’t want to, I was exhausted and felt I couldn’t function. But still the same words “Get up and go do!” came to mind. I finally got up and began to tackle the little projects. I put on a cd and the first song that played was, “I Walk By Faith.” Tears flooded my eyes and all negative feelings left and only rejoicing and a clear image of who I was came into view.

I thought about my Savior and Him taking on the burdens of the world and in some small way, I felt that I too was experiencing these things.

I am so grateful to know that I have the capacity to feel and share someone’s burdens. They seem a very heavy cross to bear sometimes but one in which I can share with my Savior.

Satan had found another loophole with which to attack me but what was such a negative black abyss turned out to be a glorious reunion of celestial light and spirit. I am truly blessed.

Bridging The Gap

It has been awhile since I put up any new posts. There has been many adjustments in my life that I let get between my daily communion with my Heavenly Father and myself. I still say my morning and evening prayers, I still attend church on Sundays and pray in my heart throughout the day but something has been missing. I feel a void.

I realized that this is what is meant by, “You can’t see the forest for the trees.” I am going through the motions but have stopped taking the time to really listen to the still small voice. Although I am doing what I should do every day, it is equally important to just STOP and listen or my efforts are in vain.

I let my temporary living situation, my health, and just every day struggles take precedence over my relationship with my Heavenly Father. This has caused me to look at life as being half empty instead of being completely full.

Lucky for me this is a new day and with it comes a chance for a new start.

For Emmy

If you look at a piano keyboard, all you see is 88 keys, 52 white and 36 black. We don’t know what kind of music or songs this one keyboard can create but more times than not people that pass by this keyboard will feel the need to touch at least one key.

They may not know how to play, but the need to touch it is almost too much of an invitation and so they do. Sometimes they walk away after one sound but other times a melody will get played.

The quality of the instrument isn’t defined by hearing one note played or even plunked on by a few people who have never learned to play.

An unruly child or person can sit down and beat on the keys so much that the instrument becomes out of tune. Then those who pass by may try to play a tune only to find out the sound is not pleasant and just walk away. The once pristine keyboard becomes just a keyboard with 88 keys, 52 white and 36 black.

It isn’t until someone sees the potential of the old instrument and takes it home. They might either tune it themselves or hire a professional. Then a concerto gets played on it and what was once a battered instrument becomes something so much more.

So it is with being a victim of senseless crimes and abuse. We are not defined by being a victim, we are defined by how we let these awful experiences shape us. Sometimes we can become embittered or self destructive or we can rise above and become something more beautiful in spite of it.

But regardless of how we deal with it, there is one thing that is constant and that is the Master. He can and does retune our souls time and time again. He sees our potential long before we even realize we have any. All we need to do is invite him to heal us and to make us more intune with the beauty that we as children of the Most High possess.

It is then that the most magnificent hymns are played and offered to one who sacrificed His life for us.

Diy

I have always been a “DIY” type of person. My philosophy has always been, “Why pay someone else to do something I can do myself? I have had some successes and some disastrous outcomes. But I would always want to do it myself or at least try.

Luckily for me I kind of knew my limitations, so when it came to surgery, I knew I would need the middle man, kind of hard to administer my own IV, inject anesthesia, wait till I am under and then perform surgery. Even as many times as I had played “Operation”, I knew this might be slightly different.

But the one thing I have come to realize is that my salvation is not a “DIY”. I cannot get back to my Heavenly Father on just my knowledge and merits. I need the ‘middle man’ so to speak. And that is my Savior and the grace He extends to me.

While many do-it-yourself projects left me feeling pretty good at being able to accomplish some things. My knowing those accomplishments are short term at best.

It is humbling to know the greatest thing that can ever be accomplished in my life comes from a higher source. As humbling as it is, I am so very greatful in knowing the Master builder is in control and will NEVER let me down.

Losing My Way

I was thinking earlier on how many times I have left my home to go somewhere. I get lost so easily and if I was taking one of my children to a friends house, it would be an instant source of real irritation if they weren’t quite sure on the directions.

I hated getting lost, I still do, and have no patience with myself or others in dealing with venturing in unfamiliar territory. BUT I obviously made it through ok, not sure my children did though, lol.

I think how often that is true with our mental and spiritual struggles. It is never easy in trying to survive or find the correct way. We sometimes are so focused on being lost we stop looking for the signs pointing us in the right direction.

Our Savior never becomes irritated or loses patience with us. He just waits for us and He guides us a long the way. Although we may stumble and fall, He is always there ready to help us up and get back on the proper track again. And He does so in a loving way no matter how many times it takes.

Lucky for me He is that way. He has NEVER said, “Debra, I don’t know what to do with you.” Meaning, I don’t know how to deal with you. I love my Savior and his undying and never ending amount of patience and long suffering He has for me.

My Final Gifts to Each of My Children

To my son James, I gave you my life. When you were at deaths door, I asked to have your life spared and I would go in your place. I would do it again without hesitation. I have loved you dearly from the start.

To my daughter Kristie, I leave all my arts and craft supplies. May you continue to create beautiful work, which is just a glimpse of the beauty you possess inside. Be true to yourself, never hide the precious gem you are.

To my son Curtis, I leave you with the key to eternal joy which is more precious than any earthly treasure you can ever find in this life. You need only turn the key by fulfilling a promise made to me while you were incarcerated.

My son Marcus, I leave to you my high powered telescope. May you continue to find beauty in nature and internal peace that comes with communing with all the things created by God. Keep looking up to the heavens and watch for the Savior and if God willing I will be among the Heavenly hosts singing praises as the Savior returns.

To my daughter Jessica, I leave you with Vitas ashes and the pictures pertaining to him and Chewy, these are pieces of my heart. I never quit grieving over the loss of them. Know that at the time of receiving these items I will be reunited with them, I will be laughing and playing with them in fields of green pastures.

To my son Johnny, you have been my lost little boy. My heart has ached for you many times. I leave you my 4-in-one which is all my scriptures. Please prayerfully read them. They will lead you into the waters of baptism which will be just the beginning of your best journey yet.

To my son David, I leave you my laptop. Pursue your hearts desire, continue to write. This will give you so much joy as you cultivate your deepest God given talent. You will bless the lives of all who read and learn about you. Never become discouraged, there is someone special out there for you and she will be worthy of you. Don’t lose your wonderful sense of humor which has blessed my life and others as well.

To my daughter Robbie, I leave you my Mazda so you have the freedom to do the things you want and need to do. I also leave to you my mobile home, you will be able to create your own place of sacred solitude to help with those moments of anxiety. Stay close to the Lord as you have in the past. You will continue to be strengthened and feel His loving arms about you in your darkest moments. If you choose to sell the mobile, it will be ok. Take the proceeds from the sale and put down on another home, but most importantly my daughter of great faith be happy.

A Sacrifice Accepted

I laid in bed thinking over the news I just got and it was not anything that came as a real shock but as a quiet reassurance.

My thoughts, memories, and experiences play out in my mind and I see how these have been stones that I have used in finishing my journey home.

I think about the many times I have covenanted with my Father in Heaven and how he made good on them and I have kept mine with Him.

When my son, James was at deaths doors, I pleaded, please don’t take my son.” I said I would gladly go in his place. During that day when my day was devoted to the Lord. I saw my Savior kneeling in prayer taking on the sins of the world and hearing the words, “it is done” as if spoken to me, then seeing my son dressed in white waving gently as if saying goodbye or hello, I couldn’t tell. The peace I felt and it was incredible, but I knew regardless of what happened he would be ok. But now I know it wasn’t him who was leaving but me. My offering had been accepted.

My son pulled through and the amount of gratitude was so great that I could not contain it. Since then the 3 words, “It is time” were gentle reminders of my offering to a loving Heavenly Father. In His tender mercies he has allowed me time to prepare for my final steps into eternity.

How could I feel nothing but gratitude and an increasing amount of love to Him for all that I have been blessed with? Even of late, the scripture about being reconciled to my brother and then the Father would receive me, has been yet another gentle instruction I needed so I could leave this place with a pure heart.

My only concern now is my childrens’ grief. I know my children love me and they will grieve but I don’t want my time left spent more on causing them grief than it is on laughter and feeling happy.

There are no pictures accompanying this post as no picture can justify what I am feeling today.

The Magnitude Of Gods’ Family

I think about having 8 children, To some, it may seem like a lot and to others it may seem but a few. But when we compare these numbers to how many our heavenly parents have there is no comparison.

On many occasions when trying to get one childs’ attention, I end up calling them by each others names until I finally say their rightful name. It isn’t because I don’t know who I mean, I am always aware of each one individually, it is more of my tongue speaking faster than my brain can engage my mouth.

There have been many times, we would go on family outings where we piled into the vehicle, I would turn around and count heads and go over names to who all should be present. Making sure not to forget anyone or leave anyone behind. Sometimes we had to wait for one person to show up and on occasion sending a child in to retrieve a sibling.

Upon leaving and heading home, I would go through through the same process to ensure we all made it home safe and secure.

Our Heavely Father knows each of us and NEVER verbally stumbles as He calls us individually. He NEVER has to count each one to make sure all are present. I am sure there are times He has to wait patiently while one catches up, or send someone after the One that hasn’t caught up yet. But he knows and is fully aware who is present and accounted for.

Just as He is infinite in His glory so it is with His love for each one of us, His children.