Today as I am preparing my grocery lists and thinking about Easter. I have music playing in the background and “I need the every hour”, “Israel, Israel God is calling”, “Come home” starts playing and my journey flashes through my mind and I begin to write a letter to my children:
This past year has been one of much spiritual growth for me. The things I have gone through and continue to go through has brought me a lot of peace and contentment. I have had many struggles emotionally physically, mentally and most of all spiritually.
In all this my main goal has to become a more nurturing mother to try and fill the void that each child feels from having an emotionally absent mother throughout most of their lives. Through the bad marriages, I wasn’t always there for you guys. I became emotionally vacant when I should have been more in tune with your needs. I always loved you you guys dearly I just failed many times in letting you know this.
There were abuses that should not have been allowed to go further than they did. I didn’t set the kind of example I should have most of your lives. I carried that burden with me for many years. In this past year I have let those burdens go and decided that I had to quit dragging the past behind me so I could move into the future and finally become the mother I should have been all your lives.
I will be 65 years old in a couple of months and my time on this earth is getting short. I know this. What I want is for you to know beyond a shadow of a doubt just how much I love each of you and the value you each have.
You have been and are real blessings to me. My heart and joy is full because of what you have brought into my life. I would be nothing if it weren’t for each of you.
My one wish for you all is just Be Happy. Continue to love each other, be there for each other. Laugh together, share each others burdens and each others accomplishments.
As in the words of Sister Sledge:
We are family! And a great family it is.
I love you all my little nerdlings.
I tucked the letters away for now.
I have felt for sometime now my time on earth was drawing shorter. I really am at peace with it. Maybe “it is time” means just that. Although I do not know for certain what time it is or when it is. I know that as I am in the final stretch. I will continue my blogging until on the horizon I see the brightest sunrise before me, but it won’t be the sun. It will be the Glory of the most High waiting.
Now I realize this is my special mission I was sent here to do as what was told to me in my Patriarchal blessing. As I advance in years, it would be made clear as to what my mission in life would be. How can I not smile and find peace in this?
As I write each post, I want to leave drops of sweet dew for my children to follow to help them find their way home. Drops of compassion, patience, Christ like love, faith, hope, charity along a path carved out of humility until they see me standing on the other side of the river waiting patiently to embrace them all.
How great shall be my joy! My life’s accomplishments realized at last. My celestial purpose fulfilled.
My cup runneth over.